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Private Eye humor
from the Trenches
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Private Investigations / PI Humor
On a stake out, an investigator observes ...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
A Private Eye observes a cheating spouse...
A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"
I went into my favorite bar last night, and I saw one of my good friends sitting alone, looking depressed. I went over to him and asked what was wrong, he told me "I just caught my wife cheating on me with my best friend."
"That's horrible," I told him. "What did you tell your wife?"
"I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out!"
He said. "And what did you say to your best friend?" I asked.
"BAD DOG!" He replied.
It was Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
Law Enforcement humor
A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "Its Square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman."Here it is," she said. The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.".
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
Sherlock Holmes humor
Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven. There is a brouhaha. Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem. Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls. It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly. The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him. "Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson discover an unusual painting
One day, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business, when they uncovered an unusual painting.
At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if one looked closer, one could see that it was a remarkable painting. The tree trunk was actually made of fire, and its branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.
"What is it, Holmes?" asked Watson in awe. "It's an Element tree, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson in a hot-air balloon
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are taking a trip across a desert by hot-air balloon. There are not many landmarks; so eventually, they become lost. Luckily, while flying quite low, they see a man.
Holmes shouts, "Sir, could you please tell me where we are?"
The man looks up, ponders for a moment, and then answers, "Gentlemen, you are in a hot-air balloon!"
At this moment, a burst of wind picks up the balloon and carries it away.
Holmes turns to Watson and asks: "My friend, do you know who that man is?"
"No, Holmes, of course not!"
"He's a mathematician!"
"Holmes, that's incredible! But *how* do you know?"
"It's very simple, Watson. First of all, the man thought before giving us an answer. Secondly, his answer was absolutely correct. And thirdly, the answer he gave us was of no practical use, whatsoever!".
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson in a London Park
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were called to a park in London to investigate a crime involving an unusual tree. The ABC Tree, as it was called, had the unique ability to actually grow all the letters of the alphabet. Shockingly, however, it seemed that someone had plucked most of the letters from the tree.
Watson approached the tree and examined it closely. "My goodness, Holmes!" he exclaimed. "It appears that some ne'er-do-well has stolen all but the twelfth, thirteenth, and fourteenth letters of the alphabet. What do you make of that, Holmes?"
Holmes sucked at his pipe contemplatively for a moment before answering, "Why, it's an LMN Tree, my dear Watson."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go fishing
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a fishing trip. They had gone night fishing and were lying on the deck, lines in the water, looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"Well, to me, it means someone has stolen our 'bimini top'!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson face the closed door
Dr. Watson arrives at 221-B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend, Sherlock Holmes, out front, in an overall, applying a bright, yellow gloss to the front door.
"Holmes, what is it?" asks the curious Watson.
"A lemon entry, my dear Watson," replies Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson discover a bloody rock
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are busy with yet another complicated case. Suddenly, Holmes seizes a chunk of blood-spattered limestone from the ground.
"What is it, Holmes?" asks Watson, eagerly.
Holmes turns and replies, gravely, "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Not more Homes, but more rocks
Two geologists are on a field trip studying rock formations in Russia. They arranged for a pilot to fly them into a remote area, to collect some specimens. While they're there, they collect six large rock specimens to take back to the lab, for further analysis.
The pilot returns to pick them up and they start loading everything into the plane. When the pilot sees the rocks, he objects strenuously.
"Those rocks are too heavy," says the pilot, "the plane can only take four, so you have to leave two behind."
The geologists argue with the pilot, telling him that the year before, they had collected six similarly heavy rocks and the pilot had allowed them to put all of them aboard. This plane is the exact same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot permits them to put the whole lot onboard. But when they attempt to take off and leave the valley, the little plane can't carry the load. They have to make an emergency landing in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one geologist says to the other, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yeah, I think so," replies his colleague. "Must be about the same place where we had to make the emergency landing last year!"
The First Private Investigator goes camping...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
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